The Blogigal Son Returns

So people keep asking me "Do you still blog?" And it really pisses me to peices. It really shows how little people care. I mean just check my blog ONE TIME and you could see the answer is yes. I'm a god damned Blogosaurus Rex to tell the truth. If you were even 1/8th the man my father was you'd know what I'm talking about.

 

Now back to pants. As I see it, a lot of really messed up people seem to think the warmer weather during the summer months excuses them to wear "shorts" instead of pants. Someone give me an oil change because that really grinds on my gears. It just shows how false people are. You think you can just wear pants when its cofortabel? You think you just wear them when you FEEL LIKE IT?? Fuck you. Simple as that.

Pants arent a lifestyle. They arent a choice. They are truth. they are god. They are life and death. They are the abyss and the light. When someone tells me they don't wear pants in the summer because its uncomfortable I laugh in their face! You fool!! Fool who will not suffer for the pants!! I gladly suffer for the pants, offer my worthless body and wretched mind up to them. Up to those uncaring unfeeling, indifferent pants. It is my greatest privilege and deepest pleasure.

So next time you think about asking someone why theyre wearing pants in the summer heat.. dont.

DP

The Sony Hacking Scandal: Kim Jong-un? More like Kim Jong-unFriended!!

If youre one of the hundreds of people that have been poking and prodding me for my two scents on the Sony hacking scandal that happened this week you know that I am just livid. I mean really. My blood is boiler! Not only can I not believe our "president" could be such a coward in this time of trouble, but in the very same week he signed off on an alliance with the cruelest, most commie regime in the earth: Cuban.

"Why in the H*CK?!" you might ask!, I was asking my self the same thing!!

Well I'll tell you if nobody else will!! I've done a bit of independent investigation into the matter and have discovered that in recent years "President" Obama and Kim Jong Un have become very buddy-buddy.

Attatched are some photos of Kim Jong Un and Barack Obama having a grand old time! And as a citizen of The United States of America, I can tell you one thing! (I wont stand for it!)

Look at our dear "leader" auplauding a ruthless dictator right to his face. 

And the other one is Kim Jong Un! Check your privelige next time white america!

Obama and Kim Jong-un were spotted just last week at Applebees sharing 

appetizers (a spinach bread bowl if you can beleive that!) A waitress

I spoke to (we just talked! I swear!) told me she overheard the two

draconian leaders talking about plans to shut down the release of the

highly anticipated film, "The Interview". She even said that she 

overheard Obama say something about avenging an ageless wrong

committed by the Franco family.

You may be thinking "a slumber party? Really Obama? A slumberparty 

with a commie dictator??! doesnt america deserve better?" Well, concerned

reader, you are right! Our Dear Obama (as the left calls him) has been having 

slumber parties with Kim Jong-un for months now and no body knows why.

Until now.

Move over Michelle Obama! Looks like there's a new first lady in town!

Take a look at this #rare pic of Kim Jong-un and president Obama 

holding hands on a stroll on an august afternoon! Looks like the whole
hacking accident was a little less of a "coincidence"
and a bit more of an on-purpose-ence!!

Dating in Denim: How To Be a Total Lady-Man Without Ditchin' the Britches

Its no secret that the online dating scene can be a rough place for lonely romantics like myself. Every where you look on the dating sites there's profiles of man with big man beard, strong guys riding their Harlers to the biking bar, and hunky lumbler-jacks cutting down timber for their next big meal.

Seeing how manly the competition is, one thinks to themselves, "with all these white-hot man abs and chin-guys how am I supposed to attract the ladies? I'm just a regular guy, right?" Wrong 

I've been looking all of my life for a pair of pants that will get me lucky with the ladies but it wasn't until just this week that I finally found my solution. Khakis4Casanovas are the latest pant roll-out from The Gap, and let me tell you, they do the trick.

I used to be a pizza-faced loser with a degree in having parents that hate me!! But, all of that changed when I donned these new Khakis and went on a few HOT dates. Now you could say I'm a veritable James Bond, Austin Powers, or Don Draper. I went from 0-100 bph (babes per hour) real fast. Just one week ago I was getting hazed by in the locker room by my strong teachers, today I'm the biggest lady-man in the metro!! (and im just getting started..)

Ever met the biggest lady-man in ur highschool? Now u have nerd-boy.  making out isnt even a big deal to me anymore.. Ive gone all the way dweeb i dont even care ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

This is what a real lady-man looks like. 

Soke it in noobs, I wont be here for long. I gotta go meet some babes at the dunes and wear pants later.

Do the Mends Justify the Jeans?

First off I want to apologize to my readers. I knoe that i have not been on my game. I have let you down I'm sorry. But times have been tough. My new pants store got closed down and i'm up to my neck in debt-notification letters, Pacho keeps calling trying to get his roosters back and threataning me. Lately ive just been couch surfing and I just got a library card so now I can start blogging again.

Anyway today I want to tickle your brain about something important: money.

So I went to the tailor this weekend. Talk about a rip-me-off!
I'm telling you, you woulda thought this guy was Rumpled Stiltskin the way he was charging! So this got me thinkin.. if it's gonna cost you an arm and a leg to get your pants mended, youd better be darn sure those jeans are worth it. In other words, ask yourself, do the mends justify the jeans?

Now I'm not here to preach, but there's a time and a place for everything on this blog. So, if you're paying out the whazoo to get a pair of hand-me-down dungarees tailored you're a damn fool. But don;t listen to me, what do I know? I just run the most respected pant news service in the country! To each his own. Just don't show up at my door lookin for handouts when youre broke and youre wife's left and all youve got left is a perfect pair of dungarees, because I warned you.

Slacks With the Stars: Kelsey Grammer

Welcome to our first installment of our new post category, Slacks With the Stars, where we get the latest tips, and zips from the hottest celebs tinsel town has to offer. Here to answer all of our pant themed questions, and kind enough to let us into his humble home, is Fraiser star, Kelsey Grammer.

10 years after Frasier was cancelled, Grammer is still the bell of the ball!

The Daily Pant: So, Mr. Grammer I'll start you off with a question I ask every guest: boxers or briefs? Trick question! Pants! 

Kelsey Grammer: Haha oh man that is rich!

So we all remember you from your hilarious sitcom, Frasier, but what have you been up to lately? 

Well, actually I've been working on a new Frasier movie with director D.W. Griffith called Frasier: the Movie. It's a coming of age movie about a young man in a big city who begins an unconventional love affair with his class pet, a spunky parrot named Roscoe. Unfortunately I can't say more. 

Wow sounds crazy. CRAZY AWEsSOME! They should call you Crasier! Haha you know I'm just joking K-man! So who have you been wearing, pants wise? 

I try to stick to my Hugo Boss, my Calvin Klein. Nothing fancy, I'm just a regular guy. I just happen to be on your TV basically 24/7. I'm not a god, I'm just like everyone else, if everyone else was one of the best actors of all time and a f***ing millionaire. I think that's why my wife left me, cause I can pick up any chick off any street in any city in the continental US. Thats what fame does to you.

Hahaha Frasier Crane, charming as ever! Where were you on the night of February 18th, 2003? 

[long pause] What? 

Ever spent any time in the Hamptons? Around Clemson's Point maybe? 

Where are you going with this? 

I know it was you Grammer. Your fingerprints were all over the place. You think I have millions in diamonds go missing every day? Do you?!

Listen.. We can settle this rationally.. 

Settle this rationally? You don't know what I went through to get my hands on those stones.. they were priceless. 

No! Put that down.. I can get them back... I can pay you back..

There's nothing I value more than revenge.

No! Stop! I'll do anything! I'll

And that concludes this weeks installment of Slacks With the Stars. Thanks for reading and see ya next week! -DP

P.S. Make sure to catch Grammer's new movie, Frasier: the Movie. In theatres November 16th. 

Poetry: a Poem

Poem:

The feeling of a new pair of pants...

Indescribable

An ecstasy more pure than a thirst quenched by celestial fountains of youth

My thighs slide into these clothen garments like brisk wind through silken hair

Love, Life, Happiness, Meaning: 

All embodied

in a single garb,
in dozens of cloths,
in millions of threads

Pants as infinite as time itself

Haikus:

Pants, what I live for.

No cloth is to be compared.

The garment of life.

Of what other world,

Could such a great cloth exist,

Such that it is worn?

Ode to pants. Ode. Ode.

Embracing my legs with love;

The love is returned

Oh what a feeling

Pantcaso baby -Jay Z

Music to my ears

A Short Story:

There once was a young girl named Goldilocks. She went into the home of three bears one day. On the kitchen table there was three pairs of pants. She tried on the papa bear's pants, but they were TOO hot. Next she put on the mama bear's pants, but they were too cold. Finally, she put on the baby bear's pants, and they were just right!

The End

New Pants Store

Hi all, sorry I havent posted in a while! :) Quite the shnanigans have been going on in my new pants... store!! Haha located on the corner of my right leg and my left leg (IM KIDDIGN!!) Its on the corner of 50th and France. Come roll on through it's called "The Pants Party" (come on it's a joke!)! Any way business has been going well.. If you count NOT SELLING ANY PANTS as good!!! (Which I don't!)

 I would be selling more pants in SCOTLAND where boys wear skirts! (go figure!!) Which got me thinking; How come the kilt-lover and leader of the Scottish rebellion, Mel Gibson decided to stray from his highland roots to start a successful pants company in Tinsel Town, USA?

You may remember our interview with Pantsco CEO Mel Gibson from a few months back. Welp we called him again to ask more about his transition from a skirt-sporting Scot to a trouser tycoon:

The Daily Pant: Thanks for talking to us again, Mr. Gibson. First we wanted to ask you about what it was like growing up pantsless in the Scottish highlands?

Mel Gibson: By damn, I thought I told my agent not to let you people through again. I'm Sean Connery, from the James Bond films. I've been knighted, I'm a big deal. How do you keep confusing me with Mel Gibson? It must have been really difficult to get a hold of me, how could you have done that without knowing my name?

Wow, interesting stuff! Say more.

What? Were you listening to what I just

Jeez, sounds like it must have been tough living without pants. When was the first time young Mel tried on a pair of pants? What was it like?

You know Mel Gibson is American, right? He played a Scot in one movie. He wasn't born there. And that movie was set hundreds of years ago, people don't wear kilts there anymore, except on special occasions.

Hm, sounds like it must have been quite the PANTSperience! Haha. 

That pun doesn't work on several levels. I hav-

Please, Mr. Gibson let me finish. Just a few more questions for you. 

I have no idea why I'm still on the phone with you. I'm hanging up. Don't call me again.

Wow, he may be a racist pig, but no one can deny Mel Gibson has got some great stories from his Scottish past. Not to mention, the guy can make some C-O-M-F-O-R-T-A-B-L-E pants! Thanks for talking with us Mel!

Anyway that's all for today! Please stop BUY the store and support local pantsmiths and the site. We desperately need business. The landlord is still on my case about the incident with the cock fighting ring I set up in the basement so I can't be late with the rent again.

(P.S. 50% off two pairs of pants to the first customer that brings me a big, healthy, angry rooster)

XOXO
Pantsip Girl

-DP

My to scents on the Obama adminadstration

Two words for you: BENGHAZI. I'm not going to get into details but this "Obama" bozo should be impeached... IMMEADUATELY! Not only is he trying to take away our guns and he wants to raise taxes! Sound familiar?!?!? That's right; Stalin, Lenin, Franco, Castro, Pol pot, Mao, Pinochet, the Kim Jongs, Chavez, and Hitler all wanted to take people's guns an tax the rich. And let me tell you that Obama wasnt even the first person to come up with the idea of Obamacare. Who was it, you might ask? I'll give you one hint; it's global warming hoaxist Al Gore! Am I the only one who sees whats going on here?! Hello?! Do the words COMMIE mean anything to you??

-DP

Sweatpants? No pants of mine!!

So a funny thing happened to me today. I was shopping at the grocery store looking for the beans (of all things!! LOL) and this guy stopped me. He said, "Hey aren't you that guy who writes for The Daily Pant? I've got a question for you, what are your thoughts on sweat pants?"

Now I know what you're thinking; "this guy sounds like a total dangus!" And I have to say I agree, but he's not the only dorkwad who has pestered me about my blog when in out in public. 

Now I ask you: What ever happens to privacy, what'd ever happened to respect? 

These days celebrities can't even go out to eat with out people pestering them. I went out to lunch just last week and this lady just wouldn't leave me alone. She kept yelling "Help! Does anyone know the Heimlich maneuver?! This man is choking!" She even asked me to call one of her friends who reads my blog, Ambulance. 

Do I have a blog? Yes. Am I thankful for my fans? Yes. But do I want to be bothered while I'm having lunch with an old friends? No.

But, I guess it's just the way things are in the age of the camera phone, sometimes i wish we could go back to the years of yesteryear when a person with a blog about pants could walk down the street without getting arrested for arson and insurance fraud.  

Anywho that's my rant. And while I'm at it I'm going to do a review of sweatpants. 

Sweatpants: 

If you care at all about pants, pants fashion, or just pants as an institution in general please, PLEASE don't do it. What you do in your own home is your own business but please keep it at home. 

-DP

Comfy Central

"CHOO CHOO ALL ABOARD THE COMFORT TRAIN!"

At least that's how I felt when I first tried these puppers on. Man oh man what a feelin. The product is the Comfpant, the newest rollout from the revelitionary pant company, Pantsco. 

Pantsco has showed time and time again that they know what's what when it comes to garment comfort,  but the Comfpant stands head and shoulders above the rest of their pantdeavours. Pantsco CEO Mel Gibson had this to say about the new product: "Why do you keep calling me Mel Gibson? I'm not Mel Gibson I'm Sean Connery. You know, the James Bond guy?" Wise words, Mr. Gibson, I don't agree with some of your views but you sure can make a pair of pants!

Needless to say this product is nothing short of remarkable and deserves endless retweets. 8/10 would recommend. -DP

(Photo courtesy of Pantsco)